apple 91

as time flew, it became clearer. no one answered that night. just felt like talking to a friend so i don't actually end up talking to my table or my fridge. or even the candle that heats up my aromatherapy oil or the plant in my bathroom. i just needed a short break from all the thinking.

i don't know how all this happened and ended up having no one.

i actually miss having people around that can be called good friends. call me soft. i mean, its fine being a lone ranger. i have been a lone ranger all through secondary school and partially in kelantan. minding my own business, doing what i want. i don't mind eating or doing grocery shopping alone. i don't mind jogging alone. it's not that i can't survive, its just that you can't miss something that you never had.

and then there was one.

you are married and i know that i am not supposed to confide in you. i am not supposed to even get used to confiding in you. but you are the only one who responds and i am sure you care. maybe there is someone else who cares but i am unsure. i will stop confiding in you when you go back to your hometown, where your wife is. rest assured, i will not steal another woman's man.

yesterday was fun when i was doing that crazy decision to buy an induction cooker. fun because i had someone to laugh with, even though they are strangers. strangers that could make me laugh and joke around. i even almost accepted the guy's invitation to go out last night. but there was still this small voice at the back of my head which brought me to my senses.

i want my old self back. the self with positivity about things. the self who was rationale and patient. the self who wasn't so attached with emotions. the self who could suppress the unwanted. the self who was strong independantly without ever needing a soulmate to cheer her on...