apple 181

This morning i woke up and i thougt "if i never got married, it would mean doing everything myself and being totally 100% independant. this included being old and dying".

then the thought was pushed back by the more current memories which i had to attend to. now, it is coming back to me again as i cooked.

talking about cooking, today i made a ginger drink plus lemon, 'masak lodeh' to eat with my 'nasi impit', then there is the fried tempe marinated with cumin, cinnamon powder, salt and chilli powder and last but not least, vanilla ice cream mixed with lemon juice and rind. yummy!

but then..who do i share it with? i share the descriptions of it with my blog and eat them all to myself because there is no one to share 'em with. fun huh.

i guess living alone is not all that bad if you have family and friends who are constantly around you. not in a choking-suffocating kind of way of course. but in a reliable, always-be-there-when-you-need-them, supporting kind of way.

then i noticed something. sometimes, when it comes to other people, we try to make them as comfortable as we can even if things are so negative. when it comes to our own family, we make sure that they realize that whatevere they are saying or doing is so negative that they can't stand it. i didn't know that helping people can be viewed by being so negative and selfish.

apple 180

After lunch was the time i was staring blankly at a locked book closet on the 2nd floor. i was partly checking out the collection of books they had there. Wow! if i had the time and the mental capacity, i wouldn't mind borrowing those books to read.

but also part of me was trying to collect and arrange my thoughts before going back to my desk. in my brain was a clutter of things to do, things that has been done, things to follow-up, things to improve and things to delete from the mind.
After lunch was the time i was staring blankly at a locked book closet on the 2nd floor. i was partly checking out the collection of books they had there. Wow! if i had the time and the mental capacity, i wouldn't mind borrowing those books to read.

but also part of me was trying to collect and arrange my thoughts before going back to my desk. in my brain was a clutter of things to do, things that has been done, things to follow-up, things to improve and things to delete from the mind.

the things to delete part was the most important and hardest part.

Sometimes I feel like I am walking a dream, a routine dream. Wake up, go to work, try not to get stressed, resolve problems, go home, make a phone call, end of day.

Sometimes, I feel like my busyness and my job is like a safety net for me. If I don’t have either of them, I can’t function. So I tend to push the hardest work to the very last minute, which is not a good idea.

Sometimes, I feel guilty when I am not working or not doing any work.

Hmmm…

the walk back to my desk was slow and steady and silent, with my colleague. the body moved as the mind thought of many things. heavy breaths were inhaled.

as i walked pass the door, in the mind: things to be done were arranged, things that has been done will be in a pile on my desk to be sorted out before i leave the office in 2 hours, things to follow-up to be listed on a sticky note and stuck to my left, things to imporove is on the waiting list and things to delete were long gone.

the things to delete part was the most important and hardest part.

the walk back to my desk was slow and steady and silent, with my colleague. the body moved as the mind thought of many things. heavy breaths were inhaled.

as i walked pass the door, in the mind: things to be done were arranged, things that has been done will be in a pile on my desk to be sorted out before i leave the office in 2 hours, things to follow-up to be listed on a sticky note and stuck to my left, things to imporove is on the waiting list and things to delete were long gone.

apple 179

this is bad. hope its not geting worse. my brain cant seem to retain enough useful memory to be used in work. i can't focus sometimes. and i can't hold a beneficial/fruitful/condensed/knowledgeable discussion with many people anymore. there is so much lack of knowledge/current information in my brain. and this situation is eating up my work, my promotion and the trust between colleagues to carry out any job.

this is bad.

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apple 177

Huh!



Just another pretty face i guess. Bored of the attitude girl. I really don't like people who bad mouth other people in front of other people. Nobody's perfect. Just because people say you are beautiful and you have gone through a harmonious life, does not mean that you can condem other people and lay their dirty socks on the table. Grow up girl. This is not school anymore. If you don't like someone, just keep it to yourself and minimize contact with that person (like what I am doing to you right now), or write it in a blog, or if you really want to tell someone, don't mention their name at least. Someone else might hear you. And when that happens, you have unintentionally made a negative mark on that someone else. Your words might be true or untrue, but regardless.

Fine. Just a little petty issue which i felt like writting in this blog.

apple 176

i would love it with butterflies. i am dreaming of it with butterflies. cakes, gifts to guests, room deco, accessories. nothing wrong with it rite? maybe not only butterflies. maybe also ladybirds. then there is a rainbow..with butterflies and other lovely insects stuck on it. who knows. cant wait to start ordering and planning and getting in the mood. but also there is a fear of being too excited too soon.

but it won't hurt a girl to dream rite?

apple 175

Turns out i had denggue. After the last post i was warded for 4 days and was given mc for 1 week. 2 weeks rest from work and i am now being pinned by deadlines. its crazy. and it has proven that i am no good at my work as i was 1 year ago. i am helpless.

apple 174

i think i am allergic to it. hahaha.. the M word. someone asked this afternoon and know i have a very high fever. but since i had promised a job to a friend, i am now at my desk.

no worries. have made soup and am drinking 100PLUS. no panadol. have run out of that. have been having a whole lote of fevers in this few months of 2010. the last time i had a severe one, it was also after someone mentioned the M word.

can't say i hate the M word because i want it.

apple 173

After 8 hours of boredom, something happened. i am thinking you read your wife's messages for some reason. and as a result of that, you found something out. then you called me to confirm. so i confirmed with only the important details. i am not trying to make her look like the black sheep. i am not trying to make me look like the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. i am just confirming a suspision. and after that confirmation it made you ask the same question all of us asked. but she wont realize it until it will be too late. and i am once again passed the responsibility as her correction center. but the thing is, this correction center is closed for maintenance as it also has her own internal problems. and has made up a new rule which offers help to people who want and need it.

and when i needed support, i am reminded that i am alone and someone else needed support from me.

apple 172

Watched Iron Man 2 yesterday. We were bored of watching it at GSC or TGV so we decided to watch it at MBO. MBO Galaxy Shopping Center, Ampang. Parking was easier, the line was shorter and tickets were readily available.

It reminded me of Summit GSC somehow. The atmosphere. The type of people who watched it. Yes, the type of people who watched it. I don't mean to be prejudice and discriminate people according to class or something like that, but there is a difference in the civic mindedness of people.

OK, the movie was PG-13 (A trademark used for a movie rating indicating that admission will be granted to persons of all ages but that parental guidance is suggested in the case of children under the age of 13). So there were children watching the movie as well. I didn't really mind the 7 year-old boy sitting next to me, although he was rocking in his seat at times. Maybe he wanted to pee or he was bored or something. Iron Man 2 is in English and it wasn't a 100% action movie. One must have to have a little bit of understanding of the language to understand the story. So I am guessing he was bored. After 3/4 of the movie, I put my hand on his back softly and told him to stop rocking.

But that did not annoy me as much as the boy behind me. He was short. So he could not see pass the heads in front of him. After just half an hour thru the movie, he started jumping like mad. My date and I turned to look at him but of course the boy couldn't understand why. His mother saw us but decided to ignore our glare. Then my friend got himself some fine 'massage' on his back when the boy started kicking his chair. Thank goodness my date had some patience stocked up in his heart. Kicking and jumping was not annoying enough. He had to get up to the toilet a few times throughout the movie and not failing to knock my head each time he and his mother wedged back to their seat.

Bringing children to movies is a good thing I guess. But please teach them manners. Respect for others. But then, who are the parents supposed to teach the children manners if they themselves don't really have it?

(hope my generation will not hurt or annoy people in their life)

apple 171

everything's wrong. it keeps on becoming wrong or more things wrong are uncovered or just because it is a little bit out of the norm it is wrong. even after going thru it umpteen times there is still something wrong when someone else looks at it.

wrong
wrong
wrong
wrong
wrong
wrong
wrong
wrong

this is torture. i am not good enough for this.

apple 170

The sun is out. The worm moves towards a very sparkling and beautiful fruit. But as it gets closer, some kind of fear creeps up body, seeping through the segments. The fruit is beautiful, but perhaps too beautiful for the worm to go close to. The worm recalls the last time it had a beautiful fruit. Too lovely for words as it closed its’ eyes and started to devour it. The smell, the juices, the feeling was incredible. But alas, everything was too good to be true for the worm. It was flicked of with great harshness and fell to the ground. The whole body bruised and its innards torn and bled for months (in worm years). But it managed to heal, slowly. Time was the antidote.

At this moment, the worm looks a far with the temptation to progress and feel the contentment again. But unknowing, even to the worm, it is actually wraping itself in a protective shield to ensure its body will not bruise and its innards not torn again.

apple 169

it's almost 5pm as the worm looks up to the sky. it's still as bright as ever.

then it sees 2 cute rabbits. watching them prance around freezes time in worm world. they seem so happy, nothing bothering them as they playfully pounce on each others stout, bushy tails.

it's almost the end of the day but not the end of life, worm reminds itself. the day started of not quite right but got better towards the end as it munches on a few chocolate leaves. the leaves were stashed at a secret hideout for 'emergency cases'. emergencies referring to hormone changes (worms have hormons too i think) and when someone steps on its tiny tail which can't really be difrerentiated from its head.

this week the worm felt a slight burden as it was the only one available in the unit. availble to provide answers to questions and resolve problems. quite scarry as the worm is just so tiny and fragile with the weight of an elephant on its shoulders.

the elephant's weight has other different compartments to it. 1st: no matter how many leaves or other life resources the worm collects, it is just never enough. the worm looks afar at the most beautiful leaf that catches its barely blinking eye. one day, it will collect enough to curl itself in there and be a sparkling butterfly, the worm dreams. 2nd: the worm controls its inner rumble as another worm lost sense of her world and affects a hedgehog. the hedghog family's life is intercepted by this other worm and there is going to be more trouble soon. but the worm is helpless. superior authorites does not support her enough.*sigh*.

so to simmer the boiling stress, there has to be a distraction. the bear is busy having playful fights with its fellow bears, which some of it took a wrong turn and resulted in a huge, serious fight with cuts and bruises along the way.

so to the river it goes, carefully placing itself on a wavering branch. the constant flow reminds it that life goes on and on with obstacles one fter another. but that does not stop the river from flowing, so why should the obstacles bother it?

apple 168

someone/something ate my leaves!

on Saturday it was fine then on Monday there were bare stems without leaves. my poor plant....

apple 167

How Does Age Affect Fertility?

As women reach their thirties, they experience a decline in fertility. Furthermore, complications during pregnancy are more common when women reach age 35. Age-related decline in fertility may be due, in part, to the following:

• A decrease in the number and health of the eggs to be ovulated.
• Changes in the hormones resulting in altered ovulation.
• Fewer number of eggs.
• A decrease in sperm counts.
• A decrease in the frequency of intercourse.
• The presence of other medical and gynecologic conditions, such as endometriosis, which may interfere with conception.

(from http://women.webmd.com/pregnancy-after-35)

where did this come from? well, lets just say that the worm stumbled upon a group of gossiping crows. it was a good thing they were busy gossiping, or else the worm would have been eaten.

but their gossip made the worm realize that time really is catching up. the system basically starts to get in docile mode at 30. then it goes to cranky mode at 35. then by 40 i guess it starts to ready itself for sleep mode.

the worm starts to worry even more after hearing all these. but nothing much can be done anyway. so the worm moves on.

moving away from the gossiping crows.

then she meets a bear. and the bear just nods and passes by. case closed.

apple 166

can i not come back? of course i can't. the heat of India managed to melt down the buzz in my head. but all froze up again on the last day.

can i just sleep the whole life thru. of course i can't. sleeping gives peace. i would like to do more of that. and it's as certain as the rise of the sun.

this is uncertainty is killing me at one point.

apple 165

the dream remains a dream. i already told you, dont plan or dream. it will not happen. if you dont plan or dream about it then it will come. but you were stubborn and you ignored me. hah! serves you rite. so now you wait. happy waiting.

one day you are ok and the next day you are not. what? why? oh come on. the headphones and loud music will not help block the thoughts. only sleep can make the emotions go away.

dont you dare make another plan in that stubborn head of yours. dont plan, dont think, dont hope, dont wait. spare yourself the trouble.

apple 164

Broadband:P1 W1-what?

puh-lease.

i can't get a connection if in a building right smack in KL, then what's the use? do you expect your users to be on a sundeck everytime they use this gadget?

its beautifully black- yes. good connection - no. design - difficult to manage. did you think all laptops have the same USB port position?

i am at home, beside the window now and even its website won't open.

please out your beautiful office building to good use and figure out ways to improve your connection before you have to rent a smaller shop lot for your office.

i am just lucky if this blog gets posted at one go.

apple 163

woke up today feeling really lazy and heavy. i heard it earlier on and woke up on that note. but i have no idea why i didn't push myself straight to the bathroom. just a minute more..just a minute. then the minute turned into an hour. and suddenly, i open my eyes for the second time that morning and the sun is halfway up. d--n. even then i felt really lazy. its already the morning of the next day.

my mood is down for a reason i know off. actually a few reasons but the others are just minor stuff that can be pushed away. its just the time of the month where i get demotivated and depressed. and i can here two voices (if not more) fighting in that jelly like mass up in my skull. there's good jelly (thanx to an input by a dear friend) and bad jelly.

good jelly says:

common wake up now. forget bout things that you can't control. work for the things that you can control. eventually things will fall into place.

bad jelly says:

what's the use. no matter how hard you try you won't get it anyway. so why waste the time?

good jelly says:

He wants to try our best and He will reward us. we might not get what we want, but we might get something better.

bad jelly says:

how do you know that? maybe what is wanted is not for us anyway and we are destined to live like this and grow old a lonely, wrinkled, sagging, lonely, alone, lonely lady.

good jelly says:

don't give up. keep closer to Him. you will never know what you will get. but if you keep you distance, it is for sure that you won't get anything.


so evetually those voices died down and i found myslef talking to myself:

why is it so hard? do you want it or not? if you want something don't you want to work for it? and even END of NEXT YEAR is not enough for you? oh yes, i forgot. i am just 24 this year. last year i was 23 so you still have time.

apple 162

hey-lo, i knew sumthing was not right. and there it was. the story.

why must men do that? why is it so difficult for men to be loyal? when do they melt in an istant when a lady tries to seduce them?

why??

is it because you got sick of your kids?

is it because your wife cannot make you happy anymore?

is it because you think you are the only one that has to be satisfied and happy in your family?

is it because you think that by having an affair it pushes away all of your problems?

i am not a man so i guess i will never understand.

my respect for you is thrown out the window from a 100-storey building.