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woke up today feeling really lazy and heavy. i heard it earlier on and woke up on that note. but i have no idea why i didn't push myself straight to the bathroom. just a minute more..just a minute. then the minute turned into an hour. and suddenly, i open my eyes for the second time that morning and the sun is halfway up. d--n. even then i felt really lazy. its already the morning of the next day.

my mood is down for a reason i know off. actually a few reasons but the others are just minor stuff that can be pushed away. its just the time of the month where i get demotivated and depressed. and i can here two voices (if not more) fighting in that jelly like mass up in my skull. there's good jelly (thanx to an input by a dear friend) and bad jelly.

good jelly says:

common wake up now. forget bout things that you can't control. work for the things that you can control. eventually things will fall into place.

bad jelly says:

what's the use. no matter how hard you try you won't get it anyway. so why waste the time?

good jelly says:

He wants to try our best and He will reward us. we might not get what we want, but we might get something better.

bad jelly says:

how do you know that? maybe what is wanted is not for us anyway and we are destined to live like this and grow old a lonely, wrinkled, sagging, lonely, alone, lonely lady.

good jelly says:

don't give up. keep closer to Him. you will never know what you will get. but if you keep you distance, it is for sure that you won't get anything.


so evetually those voices died down and i found myslef talking to myself:

why is it so hard? do you want it or not? if you want something don't you want to work for it? and even END of NEXT YEAR is not enough for you? oh yes, i forgot. i am just 24 this year. last year i was 23 so you still have time.